Remembrance
by The Salad is Dressing
Summary: [OneShot] Remembrance and guilt are a common combination. CeeCee POV.


**Title: Remembrance**

**Disclaimed: The Mediator belongs to Meg Cabot, not me. I just own the plot and my own characters.**

**Summary: **I sighed, it was bad to remember him. Because with remembrance comes guilt, and when I feel guilty I sometimes say things that would be better left unsaid.

This is my first mediator fan fic and its Just a random idea I came up with about Cee Cee. I know it's a bit out of character but …. yeah.

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Pruscilla Mctavish.

I smiled to myself as I watched my daughter sleep, her tiny chest rising with every breath.

It was Adam who wanted to name her after Aunt Pru, though I still don't why. It's not as if her

Death affected me that much.

Aunt Pru's Death. It's funny, after the car crash everyone expected me to cry and sob, to show the slightest trace of _emotion_ over her death. But I didn't shed a single tear, and no-one ever understood why.

Except for him.

He understood, because he'd felt the same way towards his grandfather's death.

But then, he understood everything, He understood _me_.

I sighed, it was bad to remember him. Because with remembrance comes guilt, and when I feel guilty I say things that would be better left unsaid.

But it was so _hard_ to not remember.

I thought back to year twelve, when he'd been assigned as my biology partner for the year.

_" ... And the pair's for this year will be ... Kelly Prescott and Adam Mctavish, Suze Simon and Brad Ackerman, _

_Chloe Smith and Debbie Mancuso, Jonathon Reeves and Marianne Robson, Cee Cee Webb and Paul Slater..."_

_I doodled a little A.M. on my pencil case, not really paying attention to Mr George._

_In fact, I was thinking about something else entirely, like how Adam has a small dimple in his cheek, _

_How and how his brown eyes are just like chocolate..._

_"Miss Webb, do you have a problem?"_

_Mr George's shrill voice interrupted my revery._

_"No, sir."_

_"Well, Miss Webb, WOULD YOU KINDLY GO SIT WITH YOUR PARTNER?", Mr Georges voice echoed around the room, like thunder._

_'If you say so sir,' I replied, feeling sarcastic, which is unusual for me. 'But sir, could you tell me who that is?'_

_His face turned red._

_'Miss Webb I believe I have already assigned you your partners and I sincerely wish you would listen to me in the future!' _

_Mr George took a breath, 'Now would Cee Cee's partner please raise there hand...?'_

_I turned to watch Paul Slater lazily raise his hand, in a bored, careless manner._

_This got a few sighs from the females in the class. Meh. _

_As I was walking over to his desk to sit down, I could just see Suze giving me a sympathetic look, which was a nice change from the glares some girls were sending me right now. I placed my stuff on my desk and sat down._

_After Mr George had handed out and explained our project plans for the term, I read through the plans, preparing to be doing most of this while Paul was out with his many adoring fans._

_I went to slip it in my bag to go through at home, when Paul grabbed my arm. _

"_Ewwww! I am receiving human contact from the school man-whore! Help me!"_

_Paul stared at me. I stared back. I remember Suze telling me once that his eyes were so entrancing and hypnotic, and how she felt like he was staring right through to her soul. _

"_Why are you putting the plan in your bag?'_

"_Because," I replied, feeling irritated, "I'm going to take it home! To finish it!"_

"_But what about me? D' you expect me to just let _you _do it all?"_

_I took a moment to look shocked, before recovering, _

"_Well … yeah?"_

_Paul just shook his head and smirked, _

"_I want to get a good mark on this test and the only way to guarantee _

_That is if I work with you, so … you can come over my place after school, so we can do it _together_.'_

_I just smirked right back, _

"_Actually, I'd prefer it if you cam to my place, then my friend Adam can give us a lift. He has a new V8, of course."_

_He looked at me for a moment, as if unsure what to say._

_I took the chance to check out his eyes._

_Didn't seem that hypnotic to me. The weren't even a deep blue, just pale and icy ….like .…. Toilet bowls._

_In fact I could think of a different pair of eyes that I'd quite like to be looking into right now ….._

"_Whatever. I'll meet you after school at the statue, and don't be late, because I won't wait for you."_

_I nodded, at glanced at Suze, who was watching me with motherly look of concern in her eyes. Brad leaned over to whisper something in her ear which earned him a very hard smack to the head._

_Ha. Paul Slater is coming to my House. I wonder how he'll react to Aunt Pru._

_Ha! Maybe she'll offer to read his cards …………_

I laughed to myself. He'd barely noticed Aunt Pru's weird waddle walk or the way she spoke as if she was half asleep. He'd just smiled and introduced himself, before following me into the lounge to study. He even mumbled something about my Aunt being hot, which delighted me as much as it disgusted me.

"_Can we go to my place?"_

_I glared at up at him from behind my laptop._

"_Why?"_

"_Because," Paul snapped, "We've been studying at your place for two weeks now, and I feel like studying in the comforts of my own ….house _for once_."_

_I rolled my eyes and snapped my laptop shut._

"_Yeah alright. Just ….. Don't mention this to anyone."_

_He Smiled, "Don't worry, your flawless reputation is safe with me."_

_I glared at him, scooping up our notes._

"_Shut up, you make me sound like a _nun_!"_

_He faked confusion, "You mean your not?"_

I never really noticed it, they way he somehow became my friend.

Suze always spent all her time with Jesse, and when she did hang out with me, she would be talking about him.

And then she left for New York.

I knew she'd leave eventually, she never belonged here. New York was her home, and Gina was there. Her best friend. I'll always be second best to Gina.

And Adam?

Yeah he started acting weird. He'd give me funny looks every time I'd smile at him, and his conversation would always seem forced or rehearsed.

Paul however, somehow became _something_ like a friend.

Though at school I avoided him like the plague (I started sitting with "The Nice Kids"), He became first person I'd turn to when things went wrong.

When Suze went back to New York, I turned to him.

When Kelly, replaced me as Editor of the school paper (Don't ask me How, I still haven't figured it Out), I turned it to him.

When Aunt Pru died, I turned to him.

When Adam rejected me, I turned to him.

"_I'm sorry Cee Cee, but I don't… I don't love you. At least, not like that."_

_His words echoed in my head. I stared at my shoes._

"_I am so, so sorry."_

_I looked up into his warm brown eyes, now filled with sadness._

'_I … I have to go, I've got …… Biology Homework."_

_I rushed out of the room and through his front door, and I didn't stop until I reached the end of his street. I vaguely remember hearing him call my name._

_I sat on the ground and before I realized it I was sobbing. Loudly._

_Hands shaking, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called Paul._

_The phone hadn't even rang for a minute before he picked up._

"_Cee Cee? Could you call back another time because I'm a little busy right….." I heard a girl's shrill squeal. "Wait …. Why are you crying?" He demanded into the phone._

_I just managed to choke out the name of the street before hanging up the phone._

I remembered that day.

He'd found me, consoled me, told me that it'd be alright, but he never said _"You deserve better."_ Or he _"He wasn't Worth It._" Because He _was_ worth it, and I didn't want to hear other-wise. But when he dropped me at the rectory where I was currently living, seeing as my only other choice was to go to a foster home until I came of age to claim Aunt Pru's house, he did something completely unexpected.

_I wiped my eyes with my hand and glanced up at him. _

"_Thanks for the lift. And the …. Nice …. Word stuff." I said._

_I went to open the car door, but it wouldn't open. He smirked and leaned toward me, to unlock the door. Or I thought he was going to unlock the door, until he leaned in towards my face. I started to annoyed and opened my mouth to say something but …. He shoved his tongue down my throat. Well I shouldn't say that, because it makes it sound violent. I expected it to be selfish and demanding, like him, but instead in stead it felt strangely gentle. One hand was cupping my face, his thumb caressing my cheek, while the other had snaked itself around my waist. _

_He pulled away abruptly and leaned his for head against mine._

"_You should get back to the rectory." He stated._

_But he didn't remove his arm from my waist nor his hand from my face._

_Lets just say that our- "Study Sessions" ? Yeah. They got became a lot more "Interesting"._

We weren't what you'd call a "Couple". We fought a lot, we made out a lot, laughed a lot (At least I did) and eventually we screwed a lot, as well as the fact that know one knew because we avoided each other at school.

But in between, we had a few romantic moments. Romantic for us, anyway, The albino and the man-whore.

He'd said he cared about me, that he loved me even, though I never believed him. I still don't.

Did I love him?

No. I don't think so. I think about him from time to time, I think about him a _lot_. But I don't love him. I couldn't, he was wrong. All wrong.

I love Adam. I always have, and I always will.

He says he loves me, that he always loved me, he just didn't want to ruin our friendship.

I think I believe him, but even if he didn't love me then, he does now, if the wring on my finger is any proof.

I looked down at my daughter, still sleeping peacefully.

I never thought I'd be relieved that my own daughter had inherited my curse. The one thing that made me an outcast.

Why was I relieved?

Because if it she didn't she'd look exactly like him.

She has the delicate cheek bones, the strong nose, the large eyes. Even with her pure white hair, her pale skin, her soft violet eyes, the resemblance is still there. I'm just the only one looking.

I wandered out of her room and into my bedroom, where I lay down beside my husband.

I leaned against Adam and fell asleep easily, because for now, my secret was safe.

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